Most people write about how to get out of depression, but since depression and I have known intimate acquaintance over the years it seems much more fitting if I write in my area of expertise and teach you how to stay depressed. After all, they are tried and true by thousands of us and therefore are guaranteed to work for you too!

7) Believe, well actually not just believe, because it works much better if you actively tell yourself that nothing you do matters, no one will notice or care anyway. Daily remind yourself  that you are not significant and that no matter how hard you try you will never matter. You don’t matter today, tomorrow or any day. So your self talk reflect these thoughts and look something like “nothing you do will ever amount to anything so why bother trying?” or “nothing will ever change for you, you will never matter to anyone”

6) Eat cookies, ice cream and chocolate as your dietary staples, they are all my favorite foods. Maybe add a soda a few times a week, I don’t like soda much but it will help you stay depressed so go ahead indulge. It’s much too difficult to try to eat healthy, so just eat whatever you can find in a package, as long as it tastes delicious and helps you to forget momentarily that you are depressed.

5) Complain about everything. Life sucks anyways so make sure that you remind yourself consistently that there is so much wrong with the world. Oh and be sure to verbalize it, because misery loves company and maybe someone will validate your complaints. Along the same lines, be sure to point out all of the faults in others, no use in having anyone around you happy that would defeat the purpose of this assignment.

4) Find excuses not to exercise, there are lots of good ones and all you need is one or two.  I am too tired, I don’t have any time or I can’t find an exercise I like. I am sure you can come up with one or two more on your own but that should help you get started.

3) Allow yourself to believe that everyone on social media is telling the truth.  I do think it’s fairly accurate to say, that based on Facebook that everyone else has a pretty amazing life, and in comparison your life sucks. You’re on the outside looking in and social media proves it. Go ahead believe it because it will help you stay stuck in your depression which, of course, is the goal here.

2) Do not accept any love, compassion or kindness from anyone under any circumstances. Refuse to let anyone love you, reject any compassion someone may try to give you. Do not allow anyone to do anything kind for you or accept any loving gestures whatsoever. Also, you must be sure to never receive love, of any kind because that will ruin your depression.

1) Stay isolated, this is the number one way you can assure yourself that you will stay depressed. Never ask for help or allow anyone else to know that you are depressed. Do not reach out to friends after all they wouldn’t understand with their perfect lives anyways. Be sure to remain invisible so that no one knows you are depressed, after all community is the key to joy and life, so at all costs avoid community so that you can keep the depression going!

And with that…happy depressing!